My girl sleeps now…
Last week her first cold developed and it threw us for a loop… and by us I mean me.
There is something that happens when you become a parent. A shift in the universe.
And by shift, I mean that the world suddenly stopped being all about me.
I know how that sounds. But it’s solid truth. If you ever want to know how self involved you are, have a baby. You’ll realize… real quick.
Throughout my pregnancy, I had a clear picture of how I wanted things to go. I had expectations. I had a process of doing things. I had a life with my husband before baby. And I expected her to fit into that life the way that I had planned it…. notice how many times I used the word “I”?!
Last week, with my boogie nosed, not so tiny infant coughing and sneezing, I held her down to spray saline up her nose and the stream that ran out of her nostrils resembled the stream of tears running out of my eyes. I just cried and cried. And asked my own parents if it ever gets easier. And my dad laughed lovingly at me and said not really… that it would always be the most difficult seeing your children suffer or in pain and did I ever imagine myself loving someone so much.
The truth is I loved myself that much. And I loved my husband that much and the life we had pre-baby. And now we have this perfect little creature and I love her more and more with each day that passes. I love her so much it hurts… like physically hurts. I’m not talking infatuation. Infatuation is looking at her and goo goo gawing about how dang cute she is and how I could just bite her cheeks! And don’t get me wrong I do that too… but that’s a fleeting feeling… it’s not all day every day, it comes and goes. But the actual love I have for her. That’s a different thing. It’s on another level. That’s why this little tiny cold wrecked me on the inside because I’d rather feel all the pain in the world myself then have her suffer even in the tiniest bit.
And then I got it.
God loves us so so much that nothing else matters except for saving us. He sent His son… His son that He loves so much it hurts to take on the greatest pains in the world to keep me… silly self-centered little me… from an eternity of suffering. With Him we have a hope and a future… forever with Him because of Him. He loves me like I love Michael. But even more so then I could even imagine, which is pretty impossible to fathom.
So as this girl sleeps, I can’t help but to be thankful. Thankful for God’s love. Thankful for His blessing of my daughter and the sweet addition she is to our family. And thankful for His pruning and His grace in all His teachable moments as He continues to teach me to look inward less and outward more.. and UPWARD more.
Thank you God for tiny colds. (But please push it out of my house sooner rather than later 😉).