Posted in baby, God, life, Parenting

A Common Cold

My girl sleeps now…

Last week her first cold developed and it threw us for a loop… and by us I mean me.

There is something that happens when you become a parent. A shift in the universe.

And by shift, I mean that the world suddenly stopped being all about me.

I know how that sounds. But it’s solid truth. If you ever want to know how self involved you are, have a baby. You’ll realize… real quick.

Throughout my pregnancy, I had a clear picture of how I wanted things to go. I had expectations. I had a process of doing things. I had a life with my husband before baby. And I expected her to fit into that life the way that I had planned it…. notice how many times I used the word “I”?!

Last week, with my boogie nosed, not so tiny infant coughing and sneezing, I held her down to spray saline up her nose and the stream that ran out of her nostrils resembled the stream of tears running out of my eyes. I just cried and cried. And asked my own parents if it ever gets easier. And my dad laughed lovingly at me and said not really… that it would always be the most difficult seeing your children suffer or in pain and did I ever imagine myself loving someone so much.

The truth is I loved myself that much. And I loved my husband that much and the life we had pre-baby. And now we have this perfect little creature and I love her more and more with each day that passes. I love her so much it hurts… like physically hurts. I’m not talking infatuation. Infatuation is looking at her and goo goo gawing about how dang cute she is and how I could just bite her cheeks! And don’t get me wrong I do that too… but that’s a fleeting feeling… it’s not all day every day, it comes and goes. But the actual love I have for her. That’s a different thing. It’s on another level. That’s why this little tiny cold wrecked me on the inside because I’d rather feel all the pain in the world myself then have her suffer even in the tiniest bit.

And then I got it.

God loves us so so much that nothing else matters except for saving us. He sent His son… His son that He loves so much it hurts to take on the greatest pains in the world to keep me… silly self-centered little me… from an eternity of suffering. With Him we have a hope and a future… forever with Him because of Him. He loves me like I love Michael. But even more so then I could even imagine, which is pretty impossible to fathom.

So as this girl sleeps, I can’t help but to be thankful. Thankful for God’s love. Thankful for His blessing of my daughter and the sweet addition she is to our family. And thankful for His pruning and His grace in all His teachable moments as He continues to teach me to look inward less and outward more.. and UPWARD more.

Thank you God for tiny colds. (But please push it out of my house sooner rather than later šŸ˜‰).

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Posted in life

To My Michael As I Return To Work…

To my Michael,

You are eight weeks old! Your dad says I should probably start counting your age in months instead of weeks, but I think that makes you sound even older. As I write this you're napping on your mat in the living room as Mom has finally learned how much better you sleep on your belly, and finally feels comfortable enough to let you do so… at least for napping.

I am writing you this because in just a few short days our spending time together all day every day will come to an end as Mommy returns to work. In the beginning it seemed as if this day would never come, and then I blinked, and now it's upon us.

When I say I felt it would never come it's not because I didn't love spending time with you… I did. And with each passing day I love it more and more. I also love working, and returning to work is not easy, but so important and I want to tell you why.

First of all I want to show you that work is a part of life. Sometimes it's tough, but it's a part of life and a good part at that.

Work isn't just getting up and going to a place, performing tasks, and going home… it comes in all forms. It could be working to clean the house or take care of babies. For you one day it'll be school work or chores… it can even come in the form of communication and working on relationships. Everything worthwhile in this life takes work. And it's not enough for me to tell you this, but rather I need to show you with how I live my life… you may not always remember my words, but something tells me you'll remember my actions.

Working, in all its forms, will make you a better person. The challenges that come with hard work will shape your character and give you a sense of purpose… you won't always feel like working but if you only do what you "feel like" doing you won't end up anywhere that you truly want to be.

I am going back to work because I love my job and the people that I get to work with. I love what we get to do on a daily basis to help people gain a relationship with Jesus. I love being a part of something that is bigger than myself.

You…my brilliant, beautiful, baby girl have so much to offer the world. And I'll always want and pray that you find something bigger than you that you can use your gifts and talents that God has blessed you with to serve others, being humble and kind while doing so.

Michael, as you grow, you'll realize that you're allowed to enjoy more than one thing at a time. For you, you might one day enjoy soccer and dance, gymnastics or schoolwork, spending time with your friends and family, balancing it all. For me I love many things… spending time with you and your dad top my list, I love to read and write, and I also love to work and love my job.

It's great to love a lot of things, and I hope you'll find things that you love and are passionate about. Whatever you choose to do, I'll be behind you, to support you and encourage you. I also will be praying Philippians 2:3…that you "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself".

Just like I strive to give my all at my job, I will always strive to give my all to your dad and to you, making the most of the time we have together.

Most importantly for you to know is that everything your dad and I choose to do is what we think is best for you and our family. YOU are our number one priority. And for now that looks like Mom going back to work. And though it will be hard and I will miss you the very most, I will be brave and do so with all the joy I have to give… you will be in good hands and I know that this is the first step of many that will push both you and I to grow into the women God has planned for us to be.

I love you more than words can say.

Love,

Mom

Posted in life

She Rejoices Without Fear

When beginning this blog, I wanted to have a place that I could write out and process the millions of thoughts that race through my mind on a daily basis. No exaggeration. What you see is only what survives the dreaded delete button… (Not really delete, but more like locked in my drafts until maybe one day I become brave enough to post it). Some of those thoughts come out as random blurbs, some single, lone sentences, and some actually wind upĀ stringing together something that might bring a little understanding to my world. Continue reading “She Rejoices Without Fear”

Posted in life

Most Improved

Tonight, my nephew was awarded the Most Improved Player award at his school’sĀ basketball banquet. Call me biased, but I think this is one of the most incredibleĀ awards someone can receive. Why you may ask? Some would argue that there are other awards that areĀ more prestigious or more reputable, like Most Valuable Player. One thing is for sure, there is definitely something gratifying about being the “best”, about being the most valuable, the most needed, or wanted. But most improved… now that takes something special. Continue reading “Most Improved”

Posted in life

What Happens When You’re Sick… And How It Relates To Life

As I sit here on my couch, watching a movie I have seen a hundred times at least, wiping my nose incessantly, and avoiding the urge to scratch out my itchy eyes, my sick self wants to feel sorry for me. I hate being sick. It physically disables my never-ending list of things to do. My mind is telling me yes, but my body is telling me no. Why do we get sick?! Continue reading “What Happens When You’re Sick… And How It Relates To Life”